Thanks, kids

At last...

It's taken 8 gym sessions (is that all? Really? It seems much more) but I've worked out how to defeat the Smiling Assassin.

No, it's not a crafty choccie biscuit in the staff room, nor is it a rippling-muscled torso of a man on the free weights.

What really takes her attention away is one of the little people. Kids. Children, Bambinos. Infants.

She was all of a flutter on Monday morning when I'd collapsed in a heap on the rower after lasting the requisite 10 minutes. She had some new gym buddies coming in at 10.30am - a class of reception pupils.
They had asked to see how the machines worked as they were working on this in class.

She was upbeat. I was still sweating and trying to down just a little bit of water in my 'active rest' period inbetween some hideous contortions on the TRX thingy.

And then it happened - 10am came around and I was just drawing in what felt like my final breath when another fit gym type came round the corner with the news (slipping on my sweat and carefully stepping over my now-dehydrated body on the floor).

"The kids are here."

Smiling Assassin looked up. She smiled (even though she's called the SA, she rarely smiles now after that euphoric first week when she couldn't stop smiling, or rather laughing). She looked at me.

Magnanimous, I thought. Magnanimous will work.

"Look, why don't you go and be with the little people - they need you more than me and you can't have them running around because of health and safety issues," I stuttered.

Kerching!

The combination of the frustrated teacher / health and safety worked a treat. And off she trotted after I promised to do the 50 more TRX exercise thingies (pulling and pushing some long straps inbetween my hands and generally looking like I'm trapped in a spider's web).

I placed myself strategically around the Abbeycroft Leisure facilities as she showed the little people round. And it worked a treat...I had a lovely relaxing session after that - able to both breathe and take on board water. Result.

"This is Barry - he's going slowly on the rower because he's old and probably looks like one of your great grand-dads," she laughed, encouraging me to rip a muscle in my wrist as I went as fast as I could to show off.

So, teachers of West Suffolk: Please feel free to let me know if your class would like to pop round the gym area and I'll happily slot you in during my weekly session. Ask for Helen. She'll be delighted. So will I...