Plug me in and watch me go

This was the scene...before Smiling Assassin (aka Helen Bye) came away beaming.

"But you're normal!" she shrieked.

It's taken a few months, much sweat, humiliation, early mornings, more sweat. But finally, there's a chink showing there.

"Great," I said - now can you unhook me from the power grid?

As part of Abbeycroft Leisure's commitment to me for 2013's Bury Free Press Beat It appeal (you can find details of my fund-raising at justgiving.com/BfpEditor ), I'm getting the services of a fitness instructor and their lovely Western Way gym for free.

Part of that offer though is the Bodystat - a series of tests to determine how much lean mass I have, my peak flow (!), my body make-up and the like. You have little sticky pads stuck in places no-one should see but your mother and close friends and a current is passed through your limbs. I now know what a piece of chicken must feel like on a George Foreman grill.

Anyhow, suffice to say I haven't grown over the past four and half months. Boo.But I have taken 10% off my body fat and lost more than 20kgs.

The success Smiling Assassin was celebrating was my blood pressure. Abbeycroft are meticulous in checking everyone who starts exercising with regards to BP to ensure they are fit to exercise. I was on the borderline so went back to my GP and carried out home tests before being allowed to train. My readings in January were high. The result of the training and weight loss is that my BP is now in normal ranges, which is good news.

The flip of this came in the sucker punch from Ms Bye.

"Now we can get you ripped on the free weights. You wanna be ripped dontcha?"

Mmm. Let's see. There's ripped and ripped.

I don't mind Brad Pitt in Fight Club, but Arnie and Sly? No thanks. So I'm going to have to be careful and not let her get too carried away. I'm not doing steroids and I'm not doing protein shakes. Beyond that, I'll lift a few of those teeny weeny weights with all my might.

Oh - and my peak flow. Don't worry - it's nothing to do with my pee output thankfully. It's a measure of lung power and mine are firing on all cylinders. You simply blow into a contraption similar to an empty toilet roll and a slider moves to indicate your power. I cracked this one very early on - simply have a magnet with you and at the critical point, hold it at the end of the tube.

You'll get maximum points each time...kerching!